Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
