I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
