Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
