I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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