I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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