apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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