also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
