So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
