I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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