I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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