Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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