WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Houston, we have a blender
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
