I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
