she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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