The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
