So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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