if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
