Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
