oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
