I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
