On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
