whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
