I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
