i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
