omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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