I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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