So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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