We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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