We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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