i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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