if you like me you must not know who I am
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
