i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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