"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
