I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
