I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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