We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
