I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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