no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
