Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
