how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
