I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
