Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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