i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were destined to go to rehab together
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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