You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
