Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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