Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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