i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
