So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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