sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize