Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My hand turned me down
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
