I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
