You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
