your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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