it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
