God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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