there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
