had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
