Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
