I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
