I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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